We are all equal.

It seems to me that there's a divide in competitive sport. Like there's a shock. There's those at the top of their game and those that aspire to reaching that level. In between is a divide that not many can get through. I read a phrase on another blog yesterday relating to cycling:

"Ability is what you are capable of, motivation determines what you do, attitude determines how well you do it."

Ability...a difficult trait to gauge. Ability is relative to your activity. What Sean Kelly achieved on a bike would not relate to an ability at soccer. What these guys can do with a kettlebell doesn't mean that they could win a marathon. So we're born to be able to apply our body's structure to an activity...sometimes to our chosen one. So if it's Kettlebells that you find easy to apply to...well done, tick box one and move on to box two. If you don't have the ability of others...move to box two anyway...it may help.

Motivation...what a can of worms to open. So, what motivates you. It's as personal a trait as ability, as motivation to do what you do is based on your own wants, needs & desires. If you want to be as fit as you can be, if you want to walk feeling a spring in your step comes as equal as wanting to be a world champion. It takes drive and determination. If you want to present yourselves at a kettlebell class for the social aspect...that's your motivation. The outcome is relative! Motivation, as such, doesn't mean you've failed because you don't match the aspirations of others. Motivation is personal...it determines what you do, and it can be a greater driver than ability.

Attitude...ha! How serious are you? That is determined by your level of motivation and the goals you have. Your attitude towards a social gathering at a kettlebell club doesn't seem like a requirement for a strength in attitude but you need to free your time. You need to commit your time and energy to fulfilling your need. Becoming a world champion takes attitude too, to meet with the level you have set for yourself and committing to those aims. Again attitude, and it's application, is relative.

Wonderful...a lovely little one-liner saying has been dissected. But the one-liner, and how it applies is down to you. Watching the ability, motivation and attitude of leaders and winners can be a help or a hindrance. It may boost your motivation...it may crush it. The reality is inside you. Look at what you want, what you need and what you can commit to. That way you will achieve the level of contention that all others achieve. You don't need a world title to know that you've achieved greatness. You just need to know that you have reached your level...your world title.

I'm not right in the head

Friday 19th August. I haul my sorry ass to the Kettlebell Club. I say my sorry ass because I was tired...again. Yeah, another tough week at work. Wednesdays evening session at home was shortened...a little tired and just wasn't doing what I wanted. But Friday...I wasn't going to stay at home. I had to do something to maintain form. I started with the 16s which now seem casual...straight forward routines until you rip your hands. Then to 20's for the relay. I came home wrecked.

This has been a common cycle of late. Good week...then tired. Almost not recovering. I had a great 2 weeks holidays where the 16's quickly became light. I was sleeping 9-11 hours per day. Great!

But that wasn't the problem. On and off for the last 4 years I'd be nodding off asleep and suddenly jump up gasping for air...almost as if I was forgetting to breathe. The first time it happened was frightening and I even took one of the young lads inhalers for asthma. So it continued. Cathy would say "are you forgetting to breathe again?" And that's how it seemed. Friday morning I woke at 3am. Nodding off the same thing happened. Eventually I went off but woke at 6am...same thing. So I Googled "Forget to breathe" and "sleep". The page lit up with Sleep Apnoea.

Sleep Apnoea is where your body stops breathing for one of 2 reasons. Reading symptoms and accounts they all say "Get to a Doctor" and "It can be fatal"...rather a rude awakening for a Friday morning. A visit to the doctor and he confirms, to his best knowledge, that it is Sleep Apnoea. An appointment with a professor in Dublin next Tuesday should clarify this.

The two reasons for Sleep Apnoea are either nasal or throat blockages such as what causes snoring. But I don't snore and I don't have any restrictions. The second reason is that the part of the brain that controls the respiratory system goes asleep when you do. It's the presence of CO2 or absence of Oxygen that force the body to breathe again. And so the cycle continues all night so that you don't get to REM sleep (deep, restful sleep) and your heart rate rises to compensate for the on/off breathing. This leaves you tired all of the time. I only notice it if I gasp for air as I sleep but it's a but more subtle during the night that a partner may notice it but you don't.

I'll see on Tuesday what course of action I need to take...so if I'm a grumpy fart or I fall asleep in mid conversation you'll have an idea why...it's not you!

Secrets revealed, Chapter 1!

All sports have their secrets and tips...whether it be training or performance. Kettlebell sport is similar. Here's a few I've picked up along the last 3 months...you can decide on what's for you, or not! ;-)

1. Never use Fairy Liquid before a snatch session...it softens the hand
2. Wet your tee-shirt before a jerk competition to help grip...unless you're female which makes it a different type of competition
3. Warm-ups are for wimps
4. Stretching is for bendy wimps
5. Opening the gym door can be considered a substitute for the warm-up
6. Don't chalk your kettlebell in the chalk bucket...it snows on your first fixation
7. Don't chalk your kettlebell in the chalk bucket...coaches don't like chalk on the shopfloor
8. Limp and whine and complain...the coach will chalk the bell for you
9. Listen to your coach carefully...sometimes it can half your workload on a session
10. You can find your balance in the 2 handed jerk if you practice with 2 glasses of Jameson
11. If you're consistently late...get the t-shirt to divert the attention that you were, well, late!
12. You can tell the 10 time world champion to "Shaa-up" when he offers advice (female only, yet to be proven effective for the slow moving male).
13. Placing a 28Kg kettlebell on the floor in front of you immediately sees all other practitioners demoralised (usage of the same said 28Kg kettlebell is optional)
14. Coaches don't like the placement of a 28Kg kettlebell on the floor - proceed with caution
15. If the coach spots the placement of the 28Kg kettlebell on the floor you'd better be prepared to put it back or use it
16. Rain and sweat are not the same thing
17. Sweat bands are only useful if you sweat
18. Running is only good if you're a thief or a victim
19. If  your knees sound like Rubik Cubes after running it's probably time to re-assess that element of your fitness regime
20. If your coach invites you upstairs...it's probably going to hurt
21. If your coach likes ice cream swirls doesn't mean it's the coaches advice
22. Don't call a coach an assistant coach
23. Wear loose shorts - a burst shorts within the first 5 minutes of a 1 hour session is difficult to hide (personal experience...a secret revealed!)
24. Suggesting certification and ranking certificates were bought on Ebay really pisses off an assistant coach.
25. Fish is an excellent addition to your diet...assuming it isn't accompanied by chips.
26. Hitting your head on the way down from a jerk fixation may cause an international incident...or disqualify you from competition...or even hurt. It isn't recommended.
27. Telling a guy who competed with 2 x 32Kg kettlebells that it looked easy may result in him walking away. Again, not recommended.
28. It is not a good idea to be kept awake by 2 ladies for 39 hours before a ranking session...seriously?
29. Practice your clean against a wall - if you scrape your knuckles you're cleaning the wrong way
30. The word "Start" spoken in a Russian accent means "Start"

To be continued...

There's no "I" in TEAM

Yeah, you've heard it before...there's no I in TEAM. It's the common motivational sermon of the team manager to aid cohesion. There ain't no individuals worth more than the team. And it's true in some cases...where would Mark Cavendish be without team HTC Highroad? Or indeed could Wayne Rooney cope without 10 other skilled players?

A couple of conversations recently set me thinking on this subject - there's no I in TEAM. One individual explained how he left a team sport in favour of boxing - an individual sport because he was putting in the effort to be fit while others were out drinking the night before a match. He was making up for their lack of fitness. Where was the fun in that! And I can understand where he was coming from and wanted his input to be rewarded, not withheld by the lack of effort from others. Another individual reminded me of the times past when as part of a cycling team we used to celebrate together after each weekend race...win, lose or draw...yet cycling is more or less an individual sport. I mean, nobody says Team BMC won the Tour de France, Cadel Evans did.

So is there an "I" in "TEAM"? Yes there certainly can be. Reflect back on an earlier comment...where would Manchester United be without Wayne Rooney? Still certainly successful...but as much so? Would HTC Highroad have won so many races without the ability of Mark Cavendish in a sprint?

So we come to the sport of Kettlebells. It is most certainly an individual sport. Once you're on your platform and the clock starts...it's all you. Nobody can assist you or support your efforts. Nobody can train you as hard as you train yourself...it's down to your ability. So on the face of it, it isn't a team sport. 

But what if an individual could be a member of a team of people who appreciate your, and their aims as a common goal? Cycling being an individual sport still requires the help of your team mates to win. Kettlebells...well, not really in the same manner. But if it wasn't for the support of your club members, the banter, the pushing of each other to excel, the coaching, the direction, the camaraderie, the challenge, the appreciation...would that individual still be as good if they were on their own? Nah...don't think so. I couldn't push myself on my own and it takes a special breed of person to be able to do that.

Certainly there's no I in Team in a literal sense but there is scope for individuals to aid a team to success. But in the sport of Kettlebells without a team...there is no I. 

Plateaus are not good, right?

In sporting terms a plateau is deemed to be a bad thing if you want to progress. Comments are common such as "If you follow the same training plan repetitively you'll reach a plateau and not improve". To a sense I agree, to another I don't. Yes, if your training plan isn't progressive or periodic you're just getting your body to get used to a constant workload and not improving...it's a given fact. You'll get bored and eventually fall away disillusioned.

But a plateau can be a good thing. If you reach a plateau it's important to recognise it. If you find yourself capable of achieving your target you need to drive that level of ability home. That then becomes a foundation for the next level.

OK, why am I giving my thoughts on this? I'll explain. When I started with Kettlebells I went with 12Kg bells. The first test I did I failed to complete the duration of the test in both disciplines of the Biathlon, namely the jerk & the snatch. The second test I did I averaged over 15 jerks per minute and over 21 for the snatch. That was my plateau. Beating my body with 12s was now not an option. The important thing was to progress either with volume or weight and considering volume was going to be difficult to achieve much more then weight is the option. So my next level was for 16Kg kettlebells. My first test was as successful as my first test on the 12Kg kettlebells. 78 reps completed but failed to meet the full time allocated in the jerk and not much more success in the snatch. This gave me a new target as endurance and correct technique now had to kick in - not strength in the shoulders. I soon discovered to achieve both of these that flexibility had to be paramount before I could rely on endurance or technique.

I'm now happy that I'm approaching the next plateau of 16Kg kettlebells. What this means is different than what it meant in the 12Kg plateau. It means that I can probably compete in the 16Kg range shortly and "probably" last the full length. As I say - I'm approaching it...there's a bit of time to go. So progression can be subtle but as per a previous post you need to listen to your body to see what you are capable of. I know I'm progressing as I completed a good week of training which I wouldn't have been able for previously - not world class but my class. This weeks training consisted of:

• 1 hour on bike & 20 mins flexibility in the morning followed by 1 hour at the club with another 20 minutes flexibility on Monday evening
• Tuesday was 1 hour assistance training at home with another 20 minutes flexibility
• Wednesday was 1.75 hours on the bike hard riding with 20 minutes flexibility
• Thursday just flexibility
• Friday I was in good form to try single 20's & 24Kg bells on various exercises at the club.
• By Saturday I'm feeling strong if not initially suffering from a peculiar, temporary muscle pain in the shoulderblade.

But at this stage I'm looking at using 20Kg and occasionally 24Kg to assist in reaching this plateau. If the weather is fine maybe this plateau may be the last but I'd doubt it. I prefer to look at each plateau as a foothill to the mountain that needs to be climbed.

Please note - I'm not qualified in sports technique. The above blog entry is based on personal opinion and not on expert learnings.

A slideshow from Saturday

I had the backing music in my head for about 1 month. Played it over & over & over so that I could piece together a slideshow of images to put to it. The problem was that I didn't have the images. As it turned out this was the best approach because I knew what to look for.

Again congrats to the folks of Wexford Kettlebell Club. Hope you enjoy it!

Nobody said it was easy

I've said it already but I'll say it again. It was a humbling experience to attend the 2011 Irish Kettlebell Sports Biathalon Championships in Kilkenny on 23rd July. My expectations were mixed to be honest. I knew the efforts that the guys were putting in and I had seen the previous years results so I knew they were going to do well. But I was warned that everyone from last year would improve.

Arriving at the O'Loughlin Gaels GAA Club I saw for the first time the platforms that the competition would take place on. Well set up, monitors for the competitors to see their counts, a clock projected on to a screen to time their efforts. The event started and I was thinking in the back of my mind that this might be a long day. Lisa and Siobhan were the first flight to get going. By 7 minutes all previous anticipations were blown out of the water. Support for all competitors was deafening. Battlers were supported, high number competitors were applauded...those who struggled were given new energy from the genuine and impartial following. I had not experienced anything like this in sport before...cycling, hurling, athletics...nothing. The efforts were visible across the faces of all the competitors and with a strong heart they battled to the 10 minutes with pride.

By the end of the day the Wexford Kettlebell Club had amassed 18 medals and 1 cup. Being a non-competitor at this event did prevent me from experiencing the euphoria at first hand but I was certainly proud to be part of a club where efforts and performances like this were rewarded so well. To the competitors of Wexford Kettlebell Club...I salute you.

Tell me why I don't like Mondays...seriously, tell me!

I don't mind Mondays really. Not having as much freedom to "act the young lad" or to "party" with 3 sons at home makes Mondays that little bit easier. No. Mondays are fine. It's when it comes to the Kettlebell Club that I have just a little difficulty on Monday. 11th July damn near killed me.

The previous Friday was great - 32 minutes of 1min on/1 min off jerks on 16Kg kettlebells. 15 reps per minute with good form and plenty left in the tank. Then 16 minutes snatch with a 12Kg kettlebell with, granted, quite a lot of alternating hands near the end. But all was well and the spring was in my step going home.

Saturday was quite casual then 2 hours on a bike at quite big gears (top gear for a lot of it) on Sunday. Then come Monday and in the first minute I knew this wasn't going to be a good one. Micks telephone number for the Chinese 2-4-7-4-2 looked challenging but not a hurdle. But no. Minute 1 and my form had slipped. By the 7 minute spell I had dropped the kettlebells. By the end I had dropped it 3 times...it's a habit I don't want to allow in. Stats showed still an even 10 reps per minute though.

So, what's going wrong? Is anything going wrong? It could be said that after 2 months at the sport on 16Kg kettlebells that this is quite an advancement...I don't buy that philosophy. It's challenging but by some peoples reckoning if you can do 6 reps per minute you should advance to the next level. That's a bit extreme but maybe there's some merit in it. I reckon the Sunday spins are too heavy going on the legs to allow for progression on the Monday. If you can't correctly elevate the kettlebells using the legs after the Sunday spin then you use your arms more, fatigue sets in and you loose form quickly. I don't have this issue on Friday. Doing a 2 hour spin on a Saturday might be the answer although after the Friday night fun-fest this may compromise correct cycling technique. For the moment the kettlebell comes first so this may be a solution. Only time and experimentation will tell. Otherwise the bike will be left out in the snow like the young lads below!

It's not exactly tennis, is it?

I'm not a fan of tennis. I'm not a fan of many sports where the primal reason for its existence doesn't exist. Let me explain - running...it's mans method of getting from A to B fast. It's about developing your ability to make you the fastest and the primal reasoning being running after prey, or running away from being prey. Javelin - similar story where you are practicing the primal urge to get your spear the furthest...maybe kill an 'ol antelope in the process. Discus, cycling, weight lifting...all have the fundamentals in the primal need to develop the person for a reason.

But tennis...where did that evolve from? I mean, in a primal sense? Did man develop their skills to beat an object across a row of foliage to another man and hope that they couldn't hit it back?

But today I see a video where the primal basis makes a return...it certainly sounds pre-historic:

So, where is this blog coming from? Oh, I don't know. Maybe with the proliferation of sweat bands around the Kettlebell Club and the grunts & groans at the end of 6 minutes Jerk may have reminded me of it. But whatever the reasoning - Kettlebells and the sport isn't exactly tennis, is it? It's more primal than that.

I wonder what the legal length of the sweat band is in tennis anyway ;-)

Steve Maxwells 300 Kettlebell Challenge - Tick!

I mentioned earlier about the "300 Kettlebell Challenge" from a guy called Steve Maxwell. I got a hold of this routine when I first got interested in the Kettlebell waaaay back in April I and mentioned the 300 Challenge and how I tried it with the intention of making it the 150 Challenge but didn't stand a chance. I had trouble doing the techniques on DVD #1 let alone reps of this routine.

Well tonight I was anticipating the delivery of the second 16Kg cast iron Kettlebell but I anticipated it too early so I was stuck with the 1 bell or the 2 20Kg bells. So I said I'd have a go at Steves Challenge again. Wondering what's in it? Well, it's 18 routines with a total of 300 reps...but the Kettlebell never leaves your hands. If you follow DVD #2 with Steve it takes 26 minutes. Here's the list of exercises. Tonight I flew through the exercises bar one...the Deck Squat which is an inhuman exercise. So I had to make do with regular squats for now.

But 8 weeks ago I couldn't have anticipated this routine at all let alone with ease and in total (apart from the aforementioned deck squat). I shall consider another box ticked in my head.

Second Reading from the Prophet Michael

Beware those who have not worshiped the sacred bell. Let it here be known that the Gods fall foul of those who do not follow the sacred plan. Those who don't follow shall be banished to a life of torment and temptation.

For there's is a life of pain and excess. They shall be treated as lepers and treated with scorn. One such peasant has succumbed to the ways of the dark side and fallen into temptation. Alas, a lifetime on the Group of C will await her.

The flake looks nice though!

First Reading of the Prophet Michael

And on that fateful night the Prophet Michael spoke. 

"Thou shalt not consume pints of the Devils urine"

"Thou shalt not partake in the feast of the beef wrapped in unleavened bread"

"For I am the barer of doom...thou shalt suffer soon. The fury of the Gods cometh and thou shalt feel it's pain"

And so it was. The two wise men, Alan of Blue Peugeot & Jason of Yellow Falcon spoke of learnings of the Gods. Numerical conundrums bounded the fearful tales...tales of 2-4-6-4-2...the mark of the beast. The followers bowed to the temple to find the markings of the beast were indeed true and adorned the Tablet of Prophecy.

And the followers did suffer. 2-4-6-4-2 forever to be recalled through the generations as foretold by the Prophet & the two wise men. But the true followers survived what the Prophet Michael unleashed. But it is written that the Gods will get stronger. The followers will be challenged in their faith, but be warned, the doom shall darken the skies and punish those who do not follow their path to destiny. Those who falter shall be placed in the group known only to the few as "The Group of C". Adams & Eves who break the foretold commandment to forsake the devils urine & beef in unleavened bread shall be banished to the depths of the "The Group of C". Those who present themselves to the following past the time of the 6 bells will need to repent to avoid "The Group of C". Pray brethren that the faith can be strong and good will indeed come. 

Sweet Jesus!!!

The power of the bell on yer bike

Last April/May 2010 Slaney Cycling Club ran a league race for A4's, beginners and novices. All was run on a flat circuit with generous handicaps devised to make the A4s work hard and improve fitness and make the beginners/novices get some thrill of competing with a realistic chance of winning. On the first night Keith Cullen was in the group with myself and Damian Heffernan. Many had gone up the road ahead of us after the A4s caught us on the third lap. Now we contemplated in our own heads what to do - race to try in some vain attempt to catch them or sit up and just ride in. We collectively, but silently decided to do something in between and ride hard but never enough to blow up.

What struck me that night was the strength of Keith Cullen. He rode at the front of our group at a fast, steady pace. Damian, in his infancy of racing like my latest return, had enough and let Keith ride away. I couldn't catch him. So, curious on where Keith had learned this ability from, he told me of the strength training of Total Fitness Systems on a Wednesday night.

Today I realised that benefit too. Riding on my favourite Kilmore Quay-and-Back route I put on a 50x15 gear and steadily rode at 18-20mph into the wind. More like 19-22mph in a tail wind. I didn't have the fitness or miles to hit a 95rpm 34x15/14 ratio but had plenty of power to just sit and turn a gear with little effort. The kettlebell work had strengthened the core, back & hips to put the strength of the legs to the pedals. All previous ailments like the neck spasms & shoulder tightness were non-existent.

The combination of bell & bike certainly proves positives for both sports.

One step forward but still 1 step behind

Another beautiful Summers day in Wexford and the drains are flowing with the rain of a month that fell in a day. The now usual Friday evening session in Westpoint looked on the face of it to be a nice uncomplicated and peaceful schedule. Initially jerks, then some casual snatches, some hold & swings and that was that. "An easy night lads" says Mick before he apologises for next weeks routines. The ideal night to progress to 16Kg bells.

Yes...20lbs extra per jerk was pleasant. Delighted to be honest...then noticed Paul had gone to 24Kgs (much to the dismay of Mick), George was on 20s as was Jason. So progress by me didn't match the others...just kept up with my own progress. Still, progress is progress.

An observation was made though...or was made for me and confirmed. When warming up, Mick swings his arms twice as long with the right arm than the left. That's because he talks when swinging the right arm, not the left. There has to be some medical explanation to it...

And one can only assume that after that session some individuals monitored the balanced diet of 2 quarter pounders with chips. I'm liking this Kettlebell sport!

Just listen...

A mistake of mine in the past on the bike was that I just didn't listen to my body when it had enough. You'd miss training and fail at the next race...a complete fallacy of course but the mentality of cycling leads you to these dark thoughts so you try harder to overcome the restrictions that fatigue brings about. Sometimes rest will train your body better than beating it into the ground.

Friday 17th June...I'm tired. It was a mentally busy week and by Friday I was fit for nothing but dribble at the mouth. I skipped the 2 hour fun fest at the Kettlebell Club...I'll go in the morning instead. So I rested...11 hours sleep before I know what was going on. Checked up the time of the Saturday sessions and missed the 11-12 slot so I prepared for the 12-1pm slot. Got there and realised that the 11-12 training session is actually 11 - 12.30. So I missed it. Damn & Blast. But secretly I wasn't too disappointed.

But I didn't come home and say I'd do a bit with the black & grey ball. No. Rest. Sometimes if you can't make your own decisions fate will play it's hand...tomorrow is another day and lets hope the "Summer" brings about something other than the usual thunder, hail, rain and cold so that the Cervelo R3 can get a stretch on the pock-marked Irish roads.

9.8 tonnes high

Full of energy on Wednesday I was. When I started cycling I'd do a tour with Wexford Wheelers and then repeat the circuit the following few days to get routes into my head. Similarly I'd been doing this with the Kettlebell. When we'd do a routine on Monday I'd repeat it on Wednesday at home. So Mick was explaining what Igor Morozov had done on his visit earlier in the year on his day off. Off for a run, 40 minutes skipping then 40 minutes of 1 minute on, 1 minute off jerks with 32Kg bells.

Hmmm...I can do that...sort of. So Wednesday came and I warmed up for 40 minutes of minute on/minute off jerk with 1 x 20Kg bell. Starting off with 16Kg for 3 sets to warm up at 20 reps each I was ready for the 20s. Yep...20 reps for the first 2 sets then the body said Nyet (Russian for feck off). So I alternated 3 sets 16Kg, 3 sets 20Kg with 16 reps for the 20s.

40 minutes came...yeah, still feeling fine so we aimed for the hour. Whoa...1 hour and 9,840Kg later and we were fried. It's like one of those breakthrough moments. And it felt good. I was ready for anything. Then I forgot about the test on the following Friday that nearly killed me. 8 minutes of jerks followed by 8 minutes of snatch. My feet touched the ground again.

A pair of grey balls

I had to get a pair of balls...sorry, kettlebells. I'd got the black number, 16Kg cast iron bell but I wanted competition size. No point in getting 2 more 16s, no point in getting 12's (I wanted to progress). So I went for 2 20's...grey balls with handles. Another phonecall:

-Hello...your dumbell things came

-Great stuff

-The postman left them at the door again...they're bigger than last time.

So I got home and opened the boxes - sort of odd to have a cardboard box around a 20Kg bell - it won't hold it. "Jesus...how are you going to lift them?" The wise one was seeking knowledge. "Like this" says I as I threw one over my shoulder and grimaced above my head. Swaying like a tree in the wind remembering the Dark Side incident where you don't want to show that you're weak. Jesus...why did I go for 20's?

It isn't so bad now. I can use them individually and they sit there tantalizing me..."Lift me, lift me". But no. all in good time.

The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming!

Yup...you'd be forgiven for thinking that the Kettlebell Club was an multi-national group with the adornment of Russian tracksuits on that second fateful evening. The international team had returned with tales of woe and the fearless quelling of the support of 10 times World Champion, Igor Morozov. "Sha ap!" a-la Vicky Pollard...aye, it sounded like the making of an international incident.

It was a fun evening...kind of intimidating to see Vicky, aka Sandra Goodison, throwing a 20Kg bell up with such grace when you have the flow of Russian red from your torn hands. Ever drive home with no skin on your hands? Still, it was fun.

Joining the "Dark Side"

I phoned Mick of Total Fitness Systems..."Come on up on Monday but I'll be in Russia" says he. "John'll look after ya". Grand. I walked in early to get a good seat...spoke to John and explained my level of expertise that I'd picked via Youtube and my 5 reps of this and 5 reps of that.

"Show me a Jerk" he says. I did a press. "No...do it like this" as John showed me a double dip that looked like something you'd see a well oiled alcoholic do at 3 in the morning outside a night club still hearing the music in his own little world. I can't dance so this wasn't pretty.

The members flowed in. I stood and waited. John then informs me that I wasn't the only first-timer that evening...me, and 8 ladies dressed almost entirely in black. "Come over this side"...John ushered me to the Dark Side. The term "Blessed art those among women" didn't seem that funny when you can't stop your routine before any of them...ever. It's a man thing.

So we threw around a few bells...handy. "Aerobic session" says John. Oh poop. I wasn't fit...still not that fit. So star jumps, press-ups (I'm on the full ones, the ladies are on the half ones). Several minutes later everything looks like a different colour...I'm sweating like a heavy rain shower...but I can't stop before the congregation. I look up and the established members are lifting 2 kettlebells each. I feel another contraction coming on.

That nights sleep was fun. My heart rate was so high that I didn't sleep much. The following morning my black off-the-shoulder number was viewed with contempt. I've got to get a pair of bigger ones...yellow or grey...not the red or green though...no, not them.

A little black off-the-shoulder number

Ebay...where else would you look for something cheap. The Kettleworx shopping channel delight suggested a 10lb kettlebell for men...a full 10lb. And I nearly swallowed it. A little search and I found a guy called Pavel Tsatouline suggest men start with 16kg. KG? that's like 35lbs...not 10? But I'm a man, eh! 16Kg of cast iron it is.

Several days later I cat a phonecall:

-Your dumbell thing came

-Great stuff

-Feckin' weight of it...the postman left it at the door

-Uh-oh!

So a plan was to try to get the lifts right...I'd seen videos so it was easy. Huh! There ain't nuthin' easy about lifting 16Kg for the first time. I'd seen Steve Maxwells 300 Kettlebell challenge so I said I'd try it but only half. I'll bet Mr Maxwell never thought of the 150 Kettlebell Challenge. Just as well...I got nowhere near it.

"Why don't you go up to that gym with the Kettlebells?" spoke the wise one who left the little black off-the-shoulder number at the door. Yeah, maybe.

Childbirth

"Sunday morning...April 4th. Shot rings out in a Memphis sky..." Well, not exactly but it was close. It was April when I found my new distraction...Kettlebells.
Now unsuccessful cycle racing can be like childbirth to a woman...you forget the pain after a while and try again. As Billy Connolly put it "If I s**t a melon I'd...never...f***ing...forget it". I'd been cycling for years...on and off. I'd start and it'd feel tough initially. I'd train and train and it'd get easier. I'd race and eventually get up there with the contenders but how do you beat them? You train harder. Then how do you beat the guys whos level you've got to? You'd train harder. Then how...you know where this is going. There comes a time when you think to yourself "This is just plain stupid". It's a sport that takes 100% comitment but with a family you can't give that unless you have a natural ability. I didn't.

Then you spit the dummy and say enough is enough. I did...several times. But you forget what it took. You forget the commitment, the hardship, the long miles, the pain...I can feel a contraction coming on. But you do it. In 2010 I tried for a baby again and threw my leg over (the bike). I won too thanks to sound and genuine handicaps by the kind people of Slaney Cycling Club. But how do I beat the scratch group...I train har...another contraction. I started in October 2010 on my winter training plan that would see me excel in March 2011. 2 weeks in, 1 hour of hardship on rollers, a sinus infection and I said enough was enough. For good. I was over 14st. I was 41-almost. I didn't want to spend the winter starving to reduce weight...it was all another phantom pregnancy of sorts.

Fast forward to April 2011. Disillusioned with the sport that I couldn't effectively contest I watched Sunday morning TV instead of 5 hours on the bike in the cold and wet. Shopping channels can be fun but I saw an advertisement for Kettleworx. Hmmm...that looked like fun...if you peeled away the Americanisation of the businessman with no time, the mother with no time, the gay-like fitness instructor who doesn't sweat. Funnily enough that same week a photograph on the local paper showed 3 folks of Total Fitness Systems being invited to Russia to compete in Kettlebell competition. And that was that. I'd found my new vice and I was ovulating at the thoughts of it.